"I'm Not Quittin' Drinkin', I'm Just Quittin' Hangovers"

This was inspired by a friend of mine who said he wasn't giving up drinking, he was just giving up hangover.

It was also inspired by my inhospitable time in hospitality. I was working the taps one night when there was this clown holding a drinking competition with himself in the corner. He was swaying like a Manly ferry, demanding another round, determined to beat his personal best.

I said, Hey Buddy, I know life can get ya down, man, but you might wanna pull back on the sauce a little. You might wanna waylay from the from the wet stuff for a while.

He said, Don’t worry I’m quitting after this.

I said, What, you’re quitting drinking? He said, No –

I’m not quitting drinking,
I’m just quitting hangovers,
and the best way would be if I were to die tonight.
If I drink until I’m dead,
I’ll avoid that morning head,
now I can’t see how
this can’t work out fine.

Well I felt it behoved to point out some flaws in his theorem. First off there’s the whole being dead bit, that had to go in the cons column, that had to be in 'against', that had to be seen as a negative, but he said it was outweighed by so many obvious positives that it all worked out even in the end, he said, Ya see the way it works is, right. Then he got out his whiteboard and his non-permanent marker and he drew some venn diagrams, then he just picked up a guitar and he sang -

I’m not quitting drinking, I’m just quitting hangovers,
and the best way would be if I were to die tonight.
If I drink until I’m dead, I’ll avoid that morning head,
now I can’t see how this can’t work out fine.

Well surely responsible service of alcohol is a fluid concept, so I poured him another and a couple for myself, and in time the logic of his thesis began to appeal –

No more mornings feeling like the sweet bird of youth has OD’d in the bathroom of your soul. No afternoons where the ibuprofen wears off and the neighbour in your cerebellum starts banging the floor again. And there's no sympathy for you, as my old boss used to say, It’s a self-inflicted wound Benito, there’s no sympathy for you here. Here, no sympathy.

But this way I could drink as much as I like and I’d never have a hangover again, I just had to die in the end. Brilliant! I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of it ago! So I grabbed a couple of bottles of top shelf, jumped over the bar and joined him on the other side, poured us a couple of quadruples and sang,

I’m not quitting drinking, I’m just quitting hangovers,
and the best way would be if I were to die tonight.
If I drink until I’m dead, I’ll avoid that morning head,
now I can’t see how this can’t work out fine.
Yeah I can’t see how this can’t work out fine.

And then he joined me and we sang,

We're not quitting drinking, we're just quitting hangovers,
and the best way would be if we were to die tonight.
If we drink until I’m dead, we’ll avoid that morning head,
now we can’t see how this can’t work out fine.
No we can’t see how this can’t work out fine.
Now we can’t see how this can’t work out fine.